Fight the Night

Why do women bellow

Why do women fight

Is it men who are our enemy?

Must we battle them with might?

A world at war within itself

Rips itself apart

Are we really enemies?

Or is it something else, quite dark.

The darkness takes us over

Woman caves, Man succumbs

Shadows race to shroud us –

Reach out for the light!

fellow women, be sisters,

fellow men, our brothers.

Let’s Fight against the Night.

WILDERSOUL TINY LOGO gray-white 300dpi

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Blogging and stuff

Maybe I will not make money from blogging. Maybe I won’t make and sell colouring books. Maybe it is all too hard to try and build a family business, or set up in online publishing, or a gallery, or media such as online film/tv/radio/animation, or an indie record label. Maybe I could just get a little job proofreading stuff.

Perhaps all of this will turn out to be a little personal blog which had some big dreams, and found that it would take too much to accomplish them.

I’ve been through many different ways to set up shop, and the $54 in total I have made was mostly from selling downloadable colouring pictures directly from my own blog.

Perhaps the blog needs to be separated from the business side of life. I am looking into a separate website for commercial use. I feel a bit sad about it, since I know I have a certain amount of hours in the day, and pouring time and effort into a separate commercial blog, may take away much of my time here on these personal blogs.

There is a certain ‘safety’ in the impersonal nature of professional communications. I feel like it would be a step away from learning how to talk about personal things which are of deep concern. It is still difficult to talk about things related to trauma in person, face-to-face, although I notice that I am able to divert or postpone a conversation, rather than lose track of my surroundings and sort of disappear into the trauma-related conversation. It is still upsetting to have it brought up unexpectedly in conversation.

I have about one and a half months before it will be brought up in conversation, with the possibility of losing our home as a possible result of that conversation. I may have to move back to where the trauma happened. Who knows, perhaps this may be the best thing, anyway.

Two options, one to carry on, and push through with everything I have got. The other to give up, or put things on the back burner. I don’t think it is as simple as this. There is so much I have learned from blogging, and from meeting so many different bloggers, with so many different experiences, and ways of running their blogs.

My little foray into advertising has given me an idea of what is required to set up for selling. Thing is, would take all my time doing the selling side of things, and would I have time left to make things? So I wonder, do I make things, and find someone else to sell them? Or sell things, and find other people to make them?

Or I could just get a little proofreading job somehow, somewhere, and forget about everything else. Maybe start writing creatively and reading fiction, which is something which stopped due to trauma, decades ago. It is good to be reading fiction again. Difficult, but not too difficult. Certainly not freaking me out. 🙂

With the thought of this being a personal blog, I can think of disconnecting other things like LinkedIn, and stop any form of advertising on my blog. Perhaps it could work. My kids have learned a huge amount about setting up in self-employment and online marketing through this whole process and that will give them a good start.

This may be a response to certain stressors over the last week. I watched a video this morning which showed the elation of starting towards a goal, and the elation of accomplishing it at the end, and this big part in the middle which is just plain hard, and feels like a good time to give up.

Just to let you know, I feel like giving up sometimes. There is a big part of me that always says, wait until tomorrow. I may feel much better in the morning. Usually this is true, and if not, I wait until the next morning, and the next, until things inevitably change.

I also pray a lot.

Perhaps I would have more time, if I simply took a proofreading job… It is something I have never really considered doing before as I thought it would drive me nutty checking every single word. Strangely, now that I have tried it, it really is quite enjoyable. I feel useful, it is reasonably easy work for me, it can be done online, from home, and involves no heavy lifting!

Perhaps there are lots of authors who are writing as a hobby, with a substantial income from elsewhere, who would be quite happy to hire a proofreader for their novel, or short stories, or children’s books, or memoirs.

I will have to give it some thought overnight. The colouring book may have reached its pinnacle. Book number two is almost ready. It takes a day to draw up a new “Circle” for the series, in between other tasks. Takes a bit out of me, due to it being hands-on art. Lots of housework and garden work this week or so, it is wearing me out a little.

Since I was about seven years old, I had the thought of publishing other people’s work. People who were good at telling stories. I wanted to make the stories into a treasured book.

I have had other passing fancies, such as becoming a famous artist, or a movie star. They weren’t the same sort of feeling as my desire to create something which made a treasure out of what other people had created. That dream involved a lot more love. It was like the other people didn’t know what a treasure they were. What a treasure their words were. What treasures they created. And I wanted them to know. I wanted everyone to know.

Those other people, were my family.

This li’l piggy

Lucy, Piggy and Panda

Mama Pig, you cuddle, close to my heart

Black and white Panda, logical thinker, weighs up what’s right

Li’l Lulu, Lucinda, Perfick Li’l Lady

Alive, Together, Forever

(What ‘They’ think don’t matter)

Was ever a family, more close-knit together?

——–

(a story of some knitted dolls)

Homeschool work-at-home single parents

I am in search of moral support and a look into how others manage in a similar position. Here’s a few of my findings.

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Examples of types of work done by folk who work while homeschooling. There’s a wide variety!

http://a2zhomeschooling.com/main_articles/working_from_home_while_homeschooling/

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Some interesting statistics, and how to fit homeschooling into weekends and holidays.

http://a2zhomeschooling.com/main_articles/single_working_parent_family/

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Single, but not Alone. An article on the difficulties faced when homeschooling as a single parent, and how faith fits into the picture.

http://www.hslda.org/courtreport/V27N1/V27N101.asp

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Working outside the home full-time, while homeschooling. It was interesting to learn how this family took their child with them to work.

http://homeedmag.com/HEM/193/mjwork.php

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The Real Reason Parents Don’t Homeschool… And I will investigate this further a bit later on, as I see the writer has three startups under her belt. And lots of links to explore in her article.

http://homeschooling.penelopetrunk.com/2013/01/24/the-real-reason-parents-dont-homeschool/

~

This weekend, I am actually going to have a “weekend.”

Hope you all enjoy your weekends too!

I will be up at 2.30am Sunday for Twitter @Artist_Chat on the #ArtistChat hashtag, for the interview with author/artist Arthur H. Browne of the Pouring My Art Out Blog.  Apparently that’s 7.30am Pacific Time, or 10.30am EST Saturday. Perhaps we’ll see you there!

Blogs are not for making money

Okay, this is a business therapy update… I have learned that blogs are not for making money. It’s not the end of the world, just the end of the direction I was heading in. I still have the e-books, the art, and the technical skills I have developed over the last six-months to a year.

And lots of contacts online. The online community, and the flexible nature of working online are very important to me. I have advertised a “Meetup” for meeting people in the ‘real world’ and already I am finding it more and more difficult to visualize it as a sustainable thing for me. I have been noting my physical condition, and the mental processes relating to setting it up.

I still have trouble making phone calls. To the point where I am not making them. I have improved to the point where I answer my phone, and I am making calls out to close family. I am making appointments and keeping them, and this is all good. Minimal stress involved.

There are things that are outside of my control, and potentially dangerous, when it comes to meeting random people at a set date and time. When I start pushing into this sort of territory, the “symptoms” I have noticed are:

Avoidance (as in phone calls.) I know that if I push it, this will lead to a stress response which gets my immune system all fizzed up. Kind of like asthma or allergic reaction.

Tearfulness, and feelings of dread, at random times of day.

Nightmares. And sort of daymares..

My mind goes through all the scenarios of the potential danger I would face. Although I am not experiencing terror or panic, I am feeling the heightened stress and pressure.

I would have to kind of go all hyper and almost pretend to be someone else in order to push through it all, and from experience this would last about three months, before needing a doctor’s appointment for stress/exhaustion, etc. I foresee it would culminate in allergy problems, compromised immune system, which at this stage could lead direct to cancers due to the long-term nature of this stress, and things like chronic fatigue where the adrenals basically start to completely pack it in. Kept up too long and I face unconsciousness, coma, and death. Sounds morbid doesn’t it, but I have done my research.

In the last week I have fallen down three or four times. Have had trouble getting to sleep, mostly due to putting pressure on myself to speed up the process of earning an income online. My skin inflammation has worsened, and my legs keeping swelling up, on and off.

Prior to that, with the positive excitement from last February onward of setting up a business online, I have been really very healthy and happy. The daily art has helped I reckon.

I have another appointment soon, with the powers-that-be, and hope they might have some useful suggestions for how to handle things from here, with regard to my personal circumstances.

For now, I have an another e-book to put together! And this one is going to be marketed like none of my others have…. And, I am publishing and marketing it for someone else, not myself. This works well for me. If it sells well, (and I am aiming for a bestseller) then perhaps there are more e-books I could market for other people. We will see! 🙂

(Ed: October 6th, Lost some kgs, and down another size in clothes. o.O Hehe don’t know whether to call it good or bad. Appetite poor, and queasy on and off. On the good news side of the picture, sunshine helps with de-stressing for sleep, as does a long walk, and a hot bath at the end of the day. A good sleep helps with thinking and ideas. Dentist visit might lead to an extraction, who knows, due to a split tooth. Toenails are brittle. Thoughts are a bit all over the place and I may hunt for an advocate on Monday. There are things that are hard to say, and possibly (hopefully) unnecessary to say. Please excuse all the notes! Best thing for calm at present is to trust in God.)

Transferable Skills

This is a huge list that wouldn’t really fit on a CV, so I will have to decide what to put on and what to leave off. Notably I left out the entire section on “Dealing with Data.” I pretty much burnt my brain out with analyzing data and facts, investigating, locating answers or information, classifying, comparing, inspecting, recording facts, counting, observing, compiling, research, detail-oriented… and it would not be a good job match for me at present. I can deal with it in the doses required in my home-life, and that is my limit.

Here goes – my transferable skills:

All of the Creative, Artistic section

artistic, music appreciation, dance, body movement, perform, act, draw, sketch, render, present artistic ideas, play instruments, expressive.

Working with People section

patient, care for, pleasant, counsel people, sensitive, supportive, help others, insightful, teach, anticipate needs, open-minded, kind, take orders, listen, serving, trust, working with others, understand, adaptable

Most of the Leadership section

Motivate people, plan, delegate, run meetings, direct others, explain things to others, self-motivated, get results, think of others, direct projects, team builder, solve problems, mediate problems, take risks, empowering others.

(Must note that this is the natural position of a homeschooling sole mother. Whether it transfers to any environment is the question. Those I direct and motivate are my own children.)

Some Key or Other transferable skills

Customer service oriented, accepted responsibility, desire to learn and improve, solve problems, team player, work independently, computer skills

Use my hands, assemble or make things, safety-conscious, follow instructions

And lastly, the Using Words, Ideas section

Innovative, logical, research, create new ideas, design, understand the big picture

I’ve bolded the skills which stand out to me the most. That is; artistic, draw, sketch, render, help others, adaptable, self-motivated, get results, work independently, computer skills, use my hands, assemble or make things, innovative, create new ideas, design, understand the big picture.

I will list the computer skills in a separate post. This is a different kind of CV than I have made in the past. Interesting process of looking at myself and seeing what is there which might be of use outside of the home. Apparently I can enter my CV into seek.co.nz and it will pop up with ‘suitable’ or ‘appropriate’ job vacancies relating to my skills and interests. I feel a bit weird about this, as it also puts my CV in front of possible employers, whom I do not know. This is different to what I am used to, where I have either been introduced to an employer by someone I know well, or I have searched for, and sent a letter with a CV to them, after doing some research, and choosing an employer within the field and position I wish to work in.

What seems to be overlooked by those who know nothing about homeschooling, is that it is a whole bunch of skills in itself.

The latest article I read on homeschooling: http://www.connectthethoughts.net/blog/2011/10/hard-questions-about-homeschooling-part-seven-%E2%80%93-the-world-seems-to-hate-homeschool-part-i/

Business Therapy – health update

I am going to keep tabs on my health during the month of September, as I may have to adjust my schedule if things don’t go well.

Family day outdoors today was lovely. We had a picnic with a long walk along the foreshore. Beautiful view. Good for the soul.

Ok. A simple list.

  • brain dripping through nose again… haha or whatever it is.
  • lately I notice I get very cold, a number of times through the day (when no-one else is)
  • falling asleep during the day (probably catching up on late nights)
  • fell asleep at picnic table while writing up business email draft
  • shivering and chattering with cold, although dressed warmer than everyone else
  • queasy and exhausted for walk home, many rest stops
  • fell asleep immediately once home for couple of hours
  • convulsions, heart beat faster than usual and working hard
  • memories of trauma
  • got up weak, heavy, and wobbly/dizzy
  • slurred, sometimes garbled speech

Hmm. That looks worse on paper.

Just letting my readers know – there is nothing to worry about… all of these things have happened before, and I simply want to keep track this month to make sure things don’t get worse, or unusual. (Unusual even for me, that is!)

I think I have mentioned before that colouring in was very helpful in healing from post-traumatic stress, and that I do not have the fear/terror/panic/stress symptoms any more. Only the physical symptoms remain, meaning, my body is worn out.

So we will see just how worn out it is, and how much load it can handle.

Basically, working for an income involves a lot of work, some stress which would normally be classed as a healthy and positive stress, and an added weight of responsibility.

Then add the negative stress that can creep in, if allowed to… such as lack of confidence. Anger at the other parent who does not share the responsibility. And loading up extra thoughts of responsibility, such as paying back the taxpayer’s money that has supported us these last years.  And also, an awareness of the negative thoughts of others around me toward the situation I am in. I have to throw these thoughts off to maintain health.

Ok. So the healthy focus for now is to simply work towards $10,140 for the year. And stick to my one month plan to get it all started. I will document how realistic my goal is, of 15 contacts in the morning, 15 in the afternoon. And adjust it if necessary.

The ‘positive healthy’ stress of working for an income is complicated by the particular trauma I went through. It adds an unhealthy and negative stress. And this is something I will work through as things come up. It looks as though a re-run of some memories is naturally coming up, and it is more of a review, with my brain putting together the pieces into a continuous story, rather than disjointed pieces.

I have been in a situation before where I realized that my earnings were not enough to cover all expenses, and it was my love for those I cared for that kept me going through the stress. I am drawing on that feeling now as I set out to earn what I can, even if it may not be enough to cover all of our expenses.

Honor her

Magnetic Poetry honor her

 

 

Butterfly

Woke up and things had changed

Walls and barriers split

and gone

I stretch my butterfly wings

and silently sing

my song

Beating wings to rhythm of sky

Colours and nectar make me

high

Homing in to where I’m from

Leave a little egg…

Business Therapy

Or Business School. I’m going to share what I’m up to, and then ask you a question at the end.

  1. Free colouring book with fast, easy drawing. Low time, low (no) cost, low quality…
  2. Sellbox shop with listings on Wildersoul.com. Medium time, low cost, higher quality.
  3. Spoonflower designs made to order, medium time, higher cost, higher quality
  4. Etsy shop with handmade one-off artworks created from Spoonflower designs, on fabric. Highest time, highest cost, highest quality.

To work on next:

  • Keep loading up daily artwork for free colouring book. In a way, this is absolutely free promotion of anything else I create. It is literally a look at the artist’s drawing board, with scribbles and sketches of ideas that may blossom into something later.
  • Create a beautiful and intricate artwork from my Spoonflower design. (Butterfly design on fabric – using beads and fabric paint, and who knows what else. It may turn into a beautiful bag of some sort…)
  • Figure out how to have all my blogs on Wildersoul.com, so I have only one point of contact. The trick is to make it so it is text only, mostly, on the front page, so that it loads quickly and easily. And also have all of the colouring pictures display as a gallery with no text. I think I can achieve this by carefully adding categories, and putting them into a menu. Or else I will have to figure out some coding, and how to use shortcodes.

Other ideas brewing:

  • A regular radio broadcast
  • A regular tv channel, you know, YouTube channel. With broadcasts, perhaps via Google+
  • Twitter poetry – 140 character poems. Perhaps it could make a good e-book, with photos and/or artwork added.
  • Skype or Gmail video chat available for face-to-face video chat.

My drive to share freely is in gratitude for the wonderfully supportive bloggers on WP, and also in a spirit of passing on what has helped me to heal.

My drive to start a business is to make money to support my family. Call me old fashioned, it kind of breaks my heart, as I believe in the Man having the role of providing for the family. The way I frame this in my mind, is that I am giving my kids the direct experience of seeing and being involved in a business start-up. Gotta be good for them. I love it when they come up with something better. I like to stimulate ideas, and head them down tracks they may not have considered. And then watch them run with it, in directions beyond my imagination or ability.

In the meantime… I am thoroughly enjoying the art I do with my own hands. Finally I am really starting to add colour. Somehow my mind is also tuning in to what other people want or need, that I could perhaps provide.

For now, here’s my question to you: What are your dreams, plans and goals? What is important to you in life right now? And what are your challenges, or disappointments, and how do you frame them so as to get on with things? (Big question…!)