Aside

Tired, heavy
Sweating profusely
60, to 58, to 56kg
Mentally agile
Frequently sleeping.

Perhaps I am tired.
I will sleep once again.

It crosses my mind
that a big change
may be enfolding
me in its hot embrace
like that of a furnace
foundry melting pot
ready to come out tempered
ready to come out new.

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Blogs are not for making money

Okay, this is a business therapy update… I have learned that blogs are not for making money. It’s not the end of the world, just the end of the direction I was heading in. I still have the e-books, the art, and the technical skills I have developed over the last six-months to a year.

And lots of contacts online. The online community, and the flexible nature of working online are very important to me. I have advertised a “Meetup” for meeting people in the ‘real world’ and already I am finding it more and more difficult to visualize it as a sustainable thing for me. I have been noting my physical condition, and the mental processes relating to setting it up.

I still have trouble making phone calls. To the point where I am not making them. I have improved to the point where I answer my phone, and I am making calls out to close family. I am making appointments and keeping them, and this is all good. Minimal stress involved.

There are things that are outside of my control, and potentially dangerous, when it comes to meeting random people at a set date and time. When I start pushing into this sort of territory, the “symptoms” I have noticed are:

Avoidance (as in phone calls.) I know that if I push it, this will lead to a stress response which gets my immune system all fizzed up. Kind of like asthma or allergic reaction.

Tearfulness, and feelings of dread, at random times of day.

Nightmares. And sort of daymares..

My mind goes through all the scenarios of the potential danger I would face. Although I am not experiencing terror or panic, I am feeling the heightened stress and pressure.

I would have to kind of go all hyper and almost pretend to be someone else in order to push through it all, and from experience this would last about three months, before needing a doctor’s appointment for stress/exhaustion, etc. I foresee it would culminate in allergy problems, compromised immune system, which at this stage could lead direct to cancers due to the long-term nature of this stress, and things like chronic fatigue where the adrenals basically start to completely pack it in. Kept up too long and I face unconsciousness, coma, and death. Sounds morbid doesn’t it, but I have done my research.

In the last week I have fallen down three or four times. Have had trouble getting to sleep, mostly due to putting pressure on myself to speed up the process of earning an income online. My skin inflammation has worsened, and my legs keeping swelling up, on and off.

Prior to that, with the positive excitement from last February onward of setting up a business online, I have been really very healthy and happy. The daily art has helped I reckon.

I have another appointment soon, with the powers-that-be, and hope they might have some useful suggestions for how to handle things from here, with regard to my personal circumstances.

For now, I have an another e-book to put together! And this one is going to be marketed like none of my others have…. And, I am publishing and marketing it for someone else, not myself. This works well for me. If it sells well, (and I am aiming for a bestseller) then perhaps there are more e-books I could market for other people. We will see! 🙂

(Ed: October 6th, Lost some kgs, and down another size in clothes. o.O Hehe don’t know whether to call it good or bad. Appetite poor, and queasy on and off. On the good news side of the picture, sunshine helps with de-stressing for sleep, as does a long walk, and a hot bath at the end of the day. A good sleep helps with thinking and ideas. Dentist visit might lead to an extraction, who knows, due to a split tooth. Toenails are brittle. Thoughts are a bit all over the place and I may hunt for an advocate on Monday. There are things that are hard to say, and possibly (hopefully) unnecessary to say. Please excuse all the notes! Best thing for calm at present is to trust in God.)

Sleep

SLEEP

Brain foggy, wipers blunt
Sleep is vibrantly alive, kicking
me into action, 24/7, no time to stop

Get up, get moving

Every second is too heavy,
and sleep is nasty

poking me with a stick

propping my eyelids open
with grit
and determination
Mustn’t be late

for what?

Sleep eats my memories
tossing me aside
with the peelings

the shards

wrapped in old news
paper, thin
and hungry
Sleep now demented
forces me down

with sudden aggression
bangs my head forward to the ground
which falls up to meet me

and pins me down
heavily, laughing
and totally in control

I do not surrender

I wait for sleep
The cat meows outside the door

in surreal waltz time

as sleep finally slumbers

and I fall…

Ta-Daah! Hire me… go on, I dare you :) Yes, this is my CV.

CV

I am actively seeking part-time work from home as an artist, or within the creative industries.

Business Start-up

I am strongly interested in helping people heal from trauma, by encouraging creative expression, and community. I believe that raising awareness is important particularly in regards to mental health. From February 2013 I have focused my energy on setting up a business online, currently called the Wildersoul Colouring Book. http://wildersoul.wordpress.com Various contact details are available from a central point at http://about.me/anasera.trifonoff

Self-employment Information

Sold various paintings privately from 1986 to date.
June 2012 Self-employed contractor. Demonstration model for video advertisement for a physiotherapist
October 2011 to March 2012 – Self-employed contractor. Video testimonials for patient interviews for a chiropractor. (Clinic has since moved to Wellington)
From May 2003 to October 2011 Self-employment in various capacities as below.
Desktop publishing for a takeaway shop.
Colouring Artwork for a Tourist Park
Colouring Artwork for Special Education speech therapists
1996 – Exhibited and sold paintings at French Art Shop Gallery, Ponsonby, Auckland in 1996.
1988 – Exhibited at Gallery 16, Kumeu, Auckland.
Sold my first painting at age 15 after it was exhibited in the Auckland Star Secondary School Art Exhibition.

Education

On-the-job learning 1988, and 1990 to date, in a broad variety of industries. Some short courses taken in Art, Stage/Screen and TV/Film Acting, graphic design, desktop publishing, electronics, and outdoor pursuits. Some involvement in Community theatre and Community circus.
Secondary school 1984-87 and 1989. ‘A’ Bursary awarded.
Graded in the top 5% nationally for Art at age 16.

Explanation of break in employment

Left work to raise a family from 1997. Homeschooling my two children since approximately 2003. Casual work during this time included some childcare, preschool, afterschool and a holiday programme for teens, as well as some cleaning and gardening work, and private tutoring in English for a speaker of another language. Health issues have made it difficult to take on more. Mostly related to stress. The worst of these issues has been addressed from mid-2012 to early 2013, in an intensive self-initiated treatment plan.

Transferable Skills

Creative, Artistic

Artistic, music appreciation, dance, body movement, perform, act, draw, sketch, render, present artistic ideas, play instruments, expressive.

Working with People

Patient, care for, pleasant, counsel people, sensitive, supportive, help others, insightful, teach, anticipate needs, open-minded, kind, take orders, listen, serving, trust, working with others, understand, adaptable

Leadership

Motivate people, plan, delegate, run meetings, direct others, explain things to others, self-motivated, get results, think of others, direct projects, team builder, solve problems, mediate problems, take risks, empowering others.

Some Key or Other transferable skills

Customer service oriented, accepted responsibility, desire to learn and improve, solve problems, team player, work independently, computer skills

Use my hands, assemble or make things, safety-conscious, follow instructions

Using Words, Ideas

Innovative, logical, research, create new ideas, design, understand the big picture

Summary

I’ve bolded the skills which stand out to me the most. That is; artistic, draw, sketch, render, help others, adaptable, self-motivated, get results, work independently, computer skills, use my hands, assemble or make things, innovative, create new ideas, design, understand the big picture.

Computer Skills

  • Inkscape – vector graphics editor
  • GIMP – image editor, similar to Photoshop
  • WordPress.com blogs
  • Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Google+, About.me, Goodreads – social media
  • WordPress.org self-hosted blog (basics)
  • Windows, Linux and Macintosh operating systems.
  • Scribus – page layout and publication (desktop publishing program, similar to Pagemaker)
  • CreateSpace paperback self-publishing
  • Amazon Kindle e-book self-publishing
  • Gmail for email, also familiar with Outlook.
  • Chromium browser (Linux version of Chrome)
  • OpenOffice, LibreOffice, similar to MS Office.
  • OpenShot video editor. Also familiar with iMovie for Mac, and MovieMaker for Windows
  • SoundCloud audio
  • Grooveshark broadcasting, and recording
  • YouTube video
  • VideoPress on WordPress
  • Audacity – record and edit audio files
  • Skype, Google Talk
  • Synfig Studio – 2D animation (basics)
  • DropBox – file sharing in the Cloud
  • Sellbox – upload and sell digital files from DropBox
  • Previous experience with Excel spreadsheets, Word documents, PowerPoint presentations, although not currently using them.

I am a quick learner, and most of the above programs I set myself to learn over the last year. I am not afraid of good old-fashioned roll-the-sleeves-up hard work.

Some Previous Employers (prior to 1998)

Internet ProLink NZ Ltd (bought by another telco)
Napier Computer Systems Ltd
Avnet Pacific Ltd (NZ merged into Asia/Pacific)
Select Appointments (Temping agency – name changed to Randstad Pty Ltd)
West Plaza Copy Centre Ltd (Now Colour Copy & Print Ltd)
NM Studios, the Signmaker (downsized to work from home)
Walshes World Ltd – International Tourism Marketing (Now The Walshe Group Pty Ltd)

References on request.

Business Therapy – health update

I am going to keep tabs on my health during the month of September, as I may have to adjust my schedule if things don’t go well.

Family day outdoors today was lovely. We had a picnic with a long walk along the foreshore. Beautiful view. Good for the soul.

Ok. A simple list.

  • brain dripping through nose again… haha or whatever it is.
  • lately I notice I get very cold, a number of times through the day (when no-one else is)
  • falling asleep during the day (probably catching up on late nights)
  • fell asleep at picnic table while writing up business email draft
  • shivering and chattering with cold, although dressed warmer than everyone else
  • queasy and exhausted for walk home, many rest stops
  • fell asleep immediately once home for couple of hours
  • convulsions, heart beat faster than usual and working hard
  • memories of trauma
  • got up weak, heavy, and wobbly/dizzy
  • slurred, sometimes garbled speech

Hmm. That looks worse on paper.

Just letting my readers know – there is nothing to worry about… all of these things have happened before, and I simply want to keep track this month to make sure things don’t get worse, or unusual. (Unusual even for me, that is!)

I think I have mentioned before that colouring in was very helpful in healing from post-traumatic stress, and that I do not have the fear/terror/panic/stress symptoms any more. Only the physical symptoms remain, meaning, my body is worn out.

So we will see just how worn out it is, and how much load it can handle.

Basically, working for an income involves a lot of work, some stress which would normally be classed as a healthy and positive stress, and an added weight of responsibility.

Then add the negative stress that can creep in, if allowed to… such as lack of confidence. Anger at the other parent who does not share the responsibility. And loading up extra thoughts of responsibility, such as paying back the taxpayer’s money that has supported us these last years.  And also, an awareness of the negative thoughts of others around me toward the situation I am in. I have to throw these thoughts off to maintain health.

Ok. So the healthy focus for now is to simply work towards $10,140 for the year. And stick to my one month plan to get it all started. I will document how realistic my goal is, of 15 contacts in the morning, 15 in the afternoon. And adjust it if necessary.

The ‘positive healthy’ stress of working for an income is complicated by the particular trauma I went through. It adds an unhealthy and negative stress. And this is something I will work through as things come up. It looks as though a re-run of some memories is naturally coming up, and it is more of a review, with my brain putting together the pieces into a continuous story, rather than disjointed pieces.

I have been in a situation before where I realized that my earnings were not enough to cover all expenses, and it was my love for those I cared for that kept me going through the stress. I am drawing on that feeling now as I set out to earn what I can, even if it may not be enough to cover all of our expenses.

Twitterpoetry

Thoughtful response to another reminder to beware, after hearing of one more fake suicide.

single crystalline white petal
unfolds the truth
glows inside a white fire
diamond heart which shatters
with your pure voice.

~

Don't!
Lie to me
Tell me the truth
Leave me
Do!
I see you
You need me
I know you
Never!
Say I love you
Walk away, no goodbye.

~

I (don't) believe in you
You are (no) different
So (dis)honest
You love me (not)
My mind is (never) made up
Truth is (un)real

~

My hands shook my knees too
My eyes darted, where to?
Hide or run away, there is no place
like Here to Stay, Stand Firm.

~

MIA said Do You Care?
SAD replied No.
And yet too much.

~

Love
Not Test.

~

Sue Is Siding with Loveless
Life is Scorning Sue
The thing to do?

~

Depression damp and heavy
Blanket
my mind rusts to the truth
which used to be sharp
Poison Tipped Shiny Dagger
in your hands.

~

Closed doors bar my mind entry
into the Night before
The hinges rust off and I am free
to see inside it is not pretty 

~

The cloak of anonymity discarded
for the secret of being me.

~

A mind sparkles, aflame and aflare
Brightening the night, with blinding glare
Eyes close in peace
Not one missed jigsaw piece

~

Your mind has encompassed the world
and lazily traverses it 100 times a day
while plodders stumble and toil
on their own soil

~

In dark hours your voice is a strong lifeline of presence
While shivering your words shelter me
A fire ignites in my heart

~

don't worry I'm still here no suicide note I see you care
and yet it's all a dream because I do not believe you know me

~

The aching need to find the truth of who cares at all,
who cares the most, deeply strangles my red raw throat,
I die, you cry

~

Adoring fans won't admit the betrayal
True friends growl and turn away
Inside my fishbowl
Silently watch
Cold watery truth

~

home calls
urgent incessant nagging
tugging at my heartstrings
pulling at my conscience
meowing at the window
Open the door!

~

Pick up a book
chew on a pen
throw down a thought
chew it again

Feelings

In between
Thought
and Instinct,
when together they fall asleep,
A peaceful baby gently wakes
I name her simply,
Feelings.

Health

I don’t want to lose this link so I am posting it here!

http://liftingtones.com/2010/06/13/crohns-disease-its-cause-and-cure

I want to read it and take notes in the morning, especially about what foods help to heal the gut.

Also, I am reminding myself here, to go and take a screenshot of my bank statement ‘track your spending’ pie charts for the last couple of months. Because I think that I avoid a lot of stress by chopping a lot out of my life in the way of expenses.

I’m off now. G’nite!

Business Therapy

Trucking along with this idea of making an income online… I came around a corner and delved into an e-book on how to make it big with an e-book. I’ve answered some of the questions, and it is easier than coming up with a ‘standard business plan.’ This is more of a specific, e-book business plan!

In the meantime, we have set a family goal to achieve. The first combined goal involving making money together!

To share something personal – it wasn’t so long ago when it was difficult for me to get beyond my own front door and face the world. From walking to the letterbox, to walking around the block, to taking trips into town and back, and venturing out on longer walks, we have eventually made it out of town for a small number of trips, and overnight stays, and now even two week stays with family.

Getting sick is a pain, because it feels like I am going backwards, and cocooning into my house again. It is not such a big issue for me dealing with the physical symptoms. The thunder storm has rolled on past, and the sun is shining outdoors again, so a walk around the block with my buggy sniffly, phlegmy family will be a welcome break from the last few days indoors.

So, this is our goal:

To take a two-week tour of the South Island of New Zealand.
This will involve a flight for three of us, approx $1000
Bus tour for three, approx $2000
Accommodation 14 nights approx $1500
and food at approx $400

All very rough estimates and trying to err on the side of having “too much money” rather than being stuck with too little, far from home! Grand Total of around $5000.

I’ll share my secret: This is intended to motivate me to make an income. I have been a homeschooling mum for many years, and making a re-entry into the paid workforce is a very interesting process. Not only do I need motivation to keep my mind of a husband appearing out of thin air, I also need motivation to keep my family supportive of my efforts to create and maintain a business from home. Without the support of those in my own home, it makes all efforts more difficult to sustain.

The special thing about this trip, is that I have always wanted to explore and get to know my own country before venturing out to visit the rest of the world. To know that I can stay away from home for two weeks, means that this trip is possible for me now. And once this trip is completed, I will know that I am ready to travel overseas.

I have taken on-board OM’s very helpful tips in his e-book HarsH ReaLiTy (A Blogging Manual). And have made some specific measurable goals to work towards, which will help me to reach the South Island, and beyond!

  • 100,000 views in six months
  • 6,800 followers in six months
  • Commit to making three comments on new blogs every day (minimum)

Sounds ambitious, and that is the nature of goal-setting. I review my goals weekly, monthly and every three months. Because sometimes they can be too ambitious, or else I have achieved the goal earlier than expected. Or it has evolved into something else. So these figures may change. It is my prompt to get started, and to stay motivated.  Actually, OM is a major motivating force for me. I guess this is because essentially we have a similar aim, of earning an income from blogging in one way or another. Rather than a conventional 9 to 5 day-job or career.

I reckon there’s a few of us out there with the same motivation 🙂

At the root of it, for me, is the desire to spend maximum amount of time with those I love most.

There’s a careful balance needed then, to make sure the means does not swamp the end.

The therapeutic part of this business planning, is in the mindset I strive to develop. It is focused actively on love and hope. And draws the rest of my existence around those things.

Scribbling furiously, caught on vid!

I scribbled this riverscape some time ago, and sped up this portion of it which strained my basic edition video editor. I have passed the rest of the clips to a superior video editor to turn into a short video clip. Short and Fast!

Here is the very beginning.  It could do with being even faster…

(And no, I don’t really draw this fast!)

~.~

While thinking up youtube tags to add, I found this video on Creative Expression. Take a look if you have the time, it links creativity with health.

Creativity doesn’t have to mean drawing pictures…