Deflated

I feel deflated

someone popped my balloon

thought flashbacks were over

dark room, crushing weight on my chest

struggling up through heaviness

the lowest depths of sleep

to gurgle a blunted scream

(which sounded more like a  grunt)

and the strange man disappeared

leaving me limp and spent

bleary eyes unfocused at the everyday

view outside my bedroom window

stormclouds wipe the sunshine away

with the remains of my balloon.

Some clouds go too fast to drop a single tear.

Doctor doctor

Doctor doctor

there’s a queer swelling in my feet

with dents in my shin-flesh

and an ache in my chest.

Doctor doctor

it’s not all that bad

the ache is when I run

and not when I walk

(except fast uphill)

Doctor doctor

I am feeling rather ill

I’d much prefer bed-rest

than to swallow any pill.

Doctor doctor

I’m falling, I fell

My body stopped moving

although I could still speak rather well.

Yes they called the ambulance

and those good strong men said,

“B.P. 100 over 60, not dead.”

Doctor doctor

Will you let me know soon?

Will food and sleep help me

to conquer this swoon?

Must I stop working at too many things?

Will I stop crawling to drink at the sink?

Will it take long?

I’d like fixin’ soon.

But tell me, doctor, do I ask for the moon?

Pack-rape not pre-meditated?

Does judgement

reflect the culture

of our community?

http://sunlive.co.nz/news/36028-pyes-pa-pack-rapists-sentenced.html

The Honourable Justice

http://www.alta2011.com/keynote_speakers.html

An appeal to Justice

http://www.sunlive.co.nz/news/57374-convicted-rapists-appeal-case.html

How do you judge young “respectable” high achievers with jobs and future prospects?

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/bay-of-plenty-times/news/article.cfm?c_id=1503343&objectid=11084147

Does commercial law give a good background for judging cases involving sex offenders?

Is hitting someone worth greater punishment than raping someone?

 

Does judgement

reflect the culture

of our community?

 

Who is teaching this culture?

The fear is gone

When the past has been dug up

and the rubbish bundled up and thrown out

The earth smells fresh and sweet

I see you on the street

and my eyes are kind

I say hello

and smile.

 

You say hi, too.

 

The fear is gone.

 

I remember the good times.

When the past was buried deep

And I took you at face-value

Like a delicious pumpkin

growing in the best manure.

 

I wish you sunshine

to warm your tendrils,

and rain to water your rootlets

May light and love surround you

and the darkness melt away.

 

Perhaps one day,

we may have more to say.

The fear has gone away.

Dear friends…

I have something called “pitting edema” and I believe it is most likely related to the effects of long-term stress on the endocrine system and organs such as kidneys, liver and heart. So I am going to take a rest.

(Naughty me, I have not been resting properly for quite some time.)

Soooo… Goodniiiiight!

(Puts feet up, and thinks of pleasant things…)

{Snore….. snore…… zzzZZZzzzzzzzz}

Make or break

After a year of hiding away from the world at large, I have an awful lot of appointments with people in the next week and a bit. There’s also a wonderful Arts Festival taking over the town! I will either sink or swim, and I’m pretty sure I’m swimming. I’m feeling about as organized as I was pre-childbirth. If I am completely intact, and even happy and confident… and *enjoying* all the social interaction, by next Wednesday… then I say that for now, I am cured.  If not, then I will have something more to work on.

I painted today. Black canvas, gold paint.

Sleep

SLEEP

Brain foggy, wipers blunt
Sleep is vibrantly alive, kicking
me into action, 24/7, no time to stop

Get up, get moving

Every second is too heavy,
and sleep is nasty

poking me with a stick

propping my eyelids open
with grit
and determination
Mustn’t be late

for what?

Sleep eats my memories
tossing me aside
with the peelings

the shards

wrapped in old news
paper, thin
and hungry
Sleep now demented
forces me down

with sudden aggression
bangs my head forward to the ground
which falls up to meet me

and pins me down
heavily, laughing
and totally in control

I do not surrender

I wait for sleep
The cat meows outside the door

in surreal waltz time

as sleep finally slumbers

and I fall…

Put Off.

Seems like everything is being put off in some way or another. I’m sticking to the daily artwork uploads.. and that is pulling me through with some semblance of continuity.

There are many projects I want to work on. And I have a program called Trello to figure out, for visual drag and drop project management. I think that a colouring group is highest priority. I need real people to connect with.

Who knows. Maybe this is all coming down to ‘get a haircut and get a real job…’

I see so many artists, writers, musicians, filmmakers, poets, and all sorts of creative types, who have a day job, (or night job), and do their creative work outside of those hours. Perhaps that is about to happen for me too.

The future of my online colouring book was never certain. It was the start of something that I hoped would lead to work for an income, whether that was from the colouring book itself, or from the skills I learned along the way.

I have to say, I have quite fallen in love with it. And all it entails. However, work for money is now high priority. And from the last three interviews I get the overall picture that there ought not be anybody on any sort of welfare anywhere. The world has no place for the poor, the sick, the bereft. The thought of Mao Zedong “cleaning up” the streets of China looms heavy on my mind. Never mind the Bible, (John 12:8) in the words of Jesus, “For you have the poor always with you.” Not if they are killed off by the rich and powerful. The thought of my artwork pinned on the wall like some dead butterfly for someone’s greedy hope of it becoming a golden egg somehow completely puts me off creating anything of beauty or worth. It feels like creating a child to hand over to a slave trader for some pieces of silver.

So… the focus on healing is closest to my heart. That could continue whether it is my main job or not. A colouring picture a day…

Setting up a group to meet and colour… in this town, it is probably quite relevant. Many have no appreciation of the arts. Perhaps colouring in could be the very first step… to colouring outside the lines. Rather than a child learning to make marks on a blank sheet of paper, we could be working backwards, to get to the blank sheet. To undo the picture, back to the start. And start again, fresh and devoid of expectations. Throwing away the limitations to the creative mind. Allowing… letting… freeing…

As much as I would like to work on collaborations… right now it is time to advertise a colouring group.

#RollingSleevesUp #ReadyToWork

#BringOnThePeople #GoodByePTSD

#ShunMeIWillFindOthers

Who else wants to have a go organising a colouring group in their local area? Feel free to use colouring pictures from the Wildersoul Colouring Book. Let’s get sociable. Even if it is awkward.

Thanks for following

I was going to take some time off after a difficult couple of weeks culminating in a difficult interview. And I decided No. I am going to stick it out like a skeleton crew and do what I can. (Tucks feelings away). I had to talk about why I believe in what I am doing, setting up a business online. Unfortunately this means pulling skeletons out of the closet. And they are not very nice to express with my voice. Let alone bring them to mind. Or put them on paper.

It’s not that bad really. For some reason I thought it would be good to make a dentist appointment straight after the interview. o.O When I got home I went straight to bed. I’ve replied to all my comments, visited my Facebook and LinkedIn connections, and am in the middle of revising my disjointed CV into something that can be posted online. I’m keeping it focused on the arts.

So, I will be getting out of the house for the next few days, with a bit of tooth fun at the dental place, a festival over the weekend with music and dance, along with the opening a food place by a couple who sing and play drums! It should be fun. I intend to fully take my mind off things.

Perhaps even celebrate. O says my heart, and starts singing… “My heart is down, my head is turning around, I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town…”

Colouring books

~ an update ~

The last four days have been quite intense. I have a system for uploading colourful and colouring artwork for sale. (At wildersoul.wordpress.com) The mix of black and white, with colour in some of my previews appeals to me, and I have a feeling that this colouring book style is going to affect my paintings… Everything is set up for me to start painting.

The plan is to take Friday off from the usual routine, and spend some time perhaps painting, and following Job Leads. Or self-employed Artist leads… The blog may be updated with the next letter of the alphabet, U.

It seems like no problem at all to carry on producing a colouring book pic every day. Each one is hand-drawn and I think of it as my Artist’s Sketchpad. A place to show sketches that may turn into paintings.

The pain in my left shoulder/neck has disappeared. And some Playground Therapy yesterday did me a world of good. The stress had started to build up, and going for a really high swing helped to defuse it, and I found I could breathe properly again. Then a few slides down the bumpy slide for kids a lot younger than I, and I could giggle again… and again…

I highly recommend Playground Therapy.

It also does wonders for the self-esteem. Nothing like hearing you’re amazing, from the mouths of babes. I wonder how high they will attempt to swing tomorrow!

That’s the physiological de-stress. Here’s my mental de-stress technique: If I am pressured to desert my kids with the threat of losing half of our current income, then I will go bush. This is my mental “escape hatch.” It is my way of accepting the worst that could happen, and be totally prepared to face it. An interesting novel caught my eye, which has a colourful description of the slums of India. Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. People made their dwellings out of whatever was on hand. And there was a huge community all living together in the same conditions. The “happiness” is found in everyone being in similar circumstances. It is harder living poor in among the rich. I remember Gandhi wearing his large white sheet, and it didn’t matter where he went, or what dignitaries he met with, he wore what he wore. A man in uniform asked him if he felt underdressed for the occasion. To which Gandhi asked if the heavily decorated and uniformed man felt overdressed.

Full steam ahead. I want to be earning at least some money from my colouring book, and other art, within the next two weeks. Then I have an appointment where I will need to bring evidence of the work and learning I have put in towards setting up this online business. As well as, at the same time, showing that I am looking for any suitable/appropriate work available.

That means writing a CV. I will post it, and link to it on all my blogs. And I will think up a list of things I could possibly offer to do for others for money. Sounds serious doesn’t it! I am required to be working part-time, or in some sort of approved training course, in addition to homeschooling. I am working and learning. The only missing ingredient is the money. Any tips are much appreciated.

I have been told that doubling my price and offering different ‘levels’ of product could work. My introductory prices for September are to get the ball rolling, and make sure that my system works. I intend to aim next for the Fine Art – Digital Art market, and get serious about painting. While retaining the colouring book theme, and the therapeutic angle. I have some leads for places to display or promote my work.

That’s my life update on colouring books for tonight. It’s been a long day. Hope you enjoy the splash of colour at the Wildersoul Colouring Book.