Aside

Tired, heavy
Sweating profusely
60, to 58, to 56kg
Mentally agile
Frequently sleeping.

Perhaps I am tired.
I will sleep once again.

It crosses my mind
that a big change
may be enfolding
me in its hot embrace
like that of a furnace
foundry melting pot
ready to come out tempered
ready to come out new.

Worlds apart

Worlds apart
Roaring
quiet

Worlds apart
Wrenching
enfolding

Worlds apart
Steel bar
woollen blanket

Steel Barred
woollen blanket

enfolding
wrenched
roaring
quiet
heart

What is within, part two

Love is outside the box
I am within
expanding
to crushing point

Expounding
Your Crushing Point

Love is outside the box
I am within
You are without.
Love enters without a key

Exit your pointless
Crush

Love expands
the point of light
from tiny slit
as the lid is lifted

Lying in wake

Found
Lying

Barefaced under the piercing rain
Broken body dancing on hidden strings
Electrifying Light
thundering my core

And you came
you lied
you left
me
bereft

stabbed
to the core
stitched in
the knife

scars
taunt me
with truth
as I run away
from lunacy
spreading
in your wake

Pack-rape not pre-meditated?

Does judgement

reflect the culture

of our community?

http://sunlive.co.nz/news/36028-pyes-pa-pack-rapists-sentenced.html

The Honourable Justice

http://www.alta2011.com/keynote_speakers.html

An appeal to Justice

http://www.sunlive.co.nz/news/57374-convicted-rapists-appeal-case.html

How do you judge young “respectable” high achievers with jobs and future prospects?

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/bay-of-plenty-times/news/article.cfm?c_id=1503343&objectid=11084147

Does commercial law give a good background for judging cases involving sex offenders?

Is hitting someone worth greater punishment than raping someone?

 

Does judgement

reflect the culture

of our community?

 

Who is teaching this culture?

Thanks for following

I was going to take some time off after a difficult couple of weeks culminating in a difficult interview. And I decided No. I am going to stick it out like a skeleton crew and do what I can. (Tucks feelings away). I had to talk about why I believe in what I am doing, setting up a business online. Unfortunately this means pulling skeletons out of the closet. And they are not very nice to express with my voice. Let alone bring them to mind. Or put them on paper.

It’s not that bad really. For some reason I thought it would be good to make a dentist appointment straight after the interview. o.O When I got home I went straight to bed. I’ve replied to all my comments, visited my Facebook and LinkedIn connections, and am in the middle of revising my disjointed CV into something that can be posted online. I’m keeping it focused on the arts.

So, I will be getting out of the house for the next few days, with a bit of tooth fun at the dental place, a festival over the weekend with music and dance, along with the opening a food place by a couple who sing and play drums! It should be fun. I intend to fully take my mind off things.

Perhaps even celebrate. O says my heart, and starts singing… “My heart is down, my head is turning around, I had to leave a little girl in Kingston town…”

Business Therapy – health update

I am going to keep tabs on my health during the month of September, as I may have to adjust my schedule if things don’t go well.

Family day outdoors today was lovely. We had a picnic with a long walk along the foreshore. Beautiful view. Good for the soul.

Ok. A simple list.

  • brain dripping through nose again… haha or whatever it is.
  • lately I notice I get very cold, a number of times through the day (when no-one else is)
  • falling asleep during the day (probably catching up on late nights)
  • fell asleep at picnic table while writing up business email draft
  • shivering and chattering with cold, although dressed warmer than everyone else
  • queasy and exhausted for walk home, many rest stops
  • fell asleep immediately once home for couple of hours
  • convulsions, heart beat faster than usual and working hard
  • memories of trauma
  • got up weak, heavy, and wobbly/dizzy
  • slurred, sometimes garbled speech

Hmm. That looks worse on paper.

Just letting my readers know – there is nothing to worry about… all of these things have happened before, and I simply want to keep track this month to make sure things don’t get worse, or unusual. (Unusual even for me, that is!)

I think I have mentioned before that colouring in was very helpful in healing from post-traumatic stress, and that I do not have the fear/terror/panic/stress symptoms any more. Only the physical symptoms remain, meaning, my body is worn out.

So we will see just how worn out it is, and how much load it can handle.

Basically, working for an income involves a lot of work, some stress which would normally be classed as a healthy and positive stress, and an added weight of responsibility.

Then add the negative stress that can creep in, if allowed to… such as lack of confidence. Anger at the other parent who does not share the responsibility. And loading up extra thoughts of responsibility, such as paying back the taxpayer’s money that has supported us these last years.  And also, an awareness of the negative thoughts of others around me toward the situation I am in. I have to throw these thoughts off to maintain health.

Ok. So the healthy focus for now is to simply work towards $10,140 for the year. And stick to my one month plan to get it all started. I will document how realistic my goal is, of 15 contacts in the morning, 15 in the afternoon. And adjust it if necessary.

The ‘positive healthy’ stress of working for an income is complicated by the particular trauma I went through. It adds an unhealthy and negative stress. And this is something I will work through as things come up. It looks as though a re-run of some memories is naturally coming up, and it is more of a review, with my brain putting together the pieces into a continuous story, rather than disjointed pieces.

I have been in a situation before where I realized that my earnings were not enough to cover all expenses, and it was my love for those I cared for that kept me going through the stress. I am drawing on that feeling now as I set out to earn what I can, even if it may not be enough to cover all of our expenses.

Crying

Crying really deep down inside
tearing the core out
and staring at the worms in horror
how did they get there?
Spit out what is left over
and wash away the bitter aftermath
with tears

Grief
dark and locked in a dungeon
dry, dusty, and voiceless
forgotten.

Like the long stretch of barren beach
before the tsunami overwhelms
I drown in waves of sorrow
that flood my rumpled face

Tears
silently stain
as they release the pain
pent-up behind dam walls.

I crumble
and fall

and remember it all.

Proof of my addiction to blogging

Yes, I am here, and I had intended to keep the laptop lid shut all day today. The sun is shining and we have not walked out the door to walk in it yet!

I had to let people know, that when you sell your e-books through Amazon, you are allowed to earn a commission of up to 10% for advertising your own book. How cool is that? I mistakenly thought that the commission didn’t count if I referred it from a link on my own blog. Found out I was wrong yesterday!

All you e-book authors out there, make a little bit more by joining up on this link: https://affiliate-program.amazon.com/gp/associates/join/landing/main.html

(Don’t listen to me, I got the percentage wrong before, best just visit the site and decide for yourself.)

I am hoping that my brain is improving, although on the surface it may seem like it is not. I am in wait and see mode, and hopefully will not need to visit a doctor. I had a bit of a cold recently and near the end got all stuffed up in the sinuses, with a headache. Sorry to get all graphic here…. As it was clearing up, I had some bouts of fluid leaking from my nose, in an unusual manner. Funny colour too – transparent but slightly hmmm yellowy-orange? in colour.  Strangely reminded me of bile. And anyway, now I feel much better, and the cold is gone.

After a bit of research I am creating my own bit of fiction about my brain blowing up and bursting…. LOL! And that of course explains all my craziness…. In my invented story, I am much more calm and rational now than ever before, because my bubble popped and my brain is restored to normal size. Hehe, my kids tell another story… in which I am the same as ever…. Silly ole me!

Anyway, my day off was kind of hoping for time to let my brain cool off after all the work setting up another blog, which I am really wondering now if it was such a bright idea. I have too many really!

==== show’s over… that’s pretty well all the interesting stuff said and done, just boring notes to myself about my blogs beyond this point! Sorry folks! ====

I may squash my photography blog into this blog. Maybe.

My wildersoul.com blog has been a great place to learn about what doesn’t work for me. That’s partly why I started the new dissolvingbuildings.com blog. There are still things that work best on a self-hosted domain though. Any tricky things that need a script. Like the utilities that my son makes. Have you seen the blank-circle-frame generator? That won’t run on this blog, or on the paid WP.com blog. And the embedded Amazon shop is pretty cool. Can’t be embedded here, only linked, which takes the viewer off-site).

The problem with PayPal. It sends me your email and your name attached to your PayPal account. (I received my first payment just recently and so now I know.) This presents a problem. I would need to win people’s trust, and that would include providing a privacy policy, and some sort of security of data assurance written into terms of service or something like that. Legal stuff.  Basically, “I won’t use your email address for anything except correspondence about your purchase, and will not give it out to anyone else.”

So although selling direct means a lower price for the buyer, and a higher commission for me, it comes with its own problems. Selling through Amazon, although they take commission off for themselves, has a trusted payment system in place.

CreateSpace has a thing where I can order my paperbacks at cost price, which is about $2.15 (US), and then I can change the delivery address to send the books to the person who wants to buy them. I will have to check if there is free delivery within the US.  This could be a good option for bulk orders, for schools, or hospitals. I could ask for a very small commission on top. This could be good for orders of say 10 books for a therapist’s waiting room.

I feel disappointed about the PayPal situation. However, perhaps it is all part of building up a reputation and a brand, and putting all of the legal bits in place. That’s a big job to do and requires some research, and possibly trusting a lawyer of some sort.

The dissolvingbuildings.com blog has bridged a gap between my blog world, and my extended family. Which is a good thing, and is a stepping stone to connecting to the neighbourhood and community.

I have bottled up some excitement in what I call a special treat for myself. I bought a guillotine, no don’t call me Madame! And refilled the toner for our black and white printer, so I will be very soon designing colouring books and printing, trimming and stapling them myself. And printing off sheets of business cards on the special cardboard I bought. So the physical advertising in the community will start fairly soon.

Hopefully I will settle into a bit of a routine over the next week or two. I find it very hard to switch into new habits, it takes time and repetition. If you are reading all this boring stuff, then please bear with me over the next few weeks as I behave a bit like a spider in a spaceship, making very deranged-looking webs for a while, until I get things figured out and things are beautifully in order again.

Final thoughts… I want my wildersoul.wordpress.com free online colouring book mostly focused as a resource for those healing from trauma, of any kind. Any kind of therapeutic use. And of course available for children, homeschoolers, and others who love to colour. Because of this, I am not so keen on having a shop attached, or advertising on the site. All of that can zip over to dissolvingbuildings.com, which is really where we will chase our dreams, and set up in business as a family. In itself that is a very healing thing for our family. And it is leading on to changes in our offline life too. One of us has a part-time job offer for the next six months at least. When there is a motivated goal, then things start to fall into place.

Wishing you all the best for the weekend, if you have read this far! You deserve a break! (smiling…)

Anasera.

PS. don’t worry about my brain. It is probably inflamed from me eating wheat. We had a huge spicy moist carrot cake with cream cheese icing for our blog opening celebrations… and it is all gone now. Naughty me.

No better time to start than straight away.

Tired
Sinking In
Mire of Sleep
Vivid dreams
Memories

Awaken
Within me
Horror of Past
Silent clarity
Again

Fear
Slips away
Into the shadows
Light beckons
Me


Thought I’d try a one, two, three method. Well, 1, 2, 3, 2, 1. Would you like to have a go?